Empowerment through Compassion

Compassion is the Key to Saving The World

All the cruelties and atrocities in the world happen because of lack of empathy and compassion.

Governments could only wage war and bomb and murder and maim countless men, women and children in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Yemen and other war torn countries by objectifying human beings as ‘collateral damage’. In other words, by being devoid of empathy and compassion for human suffering. 

The cruelties that workers in factory farms and slaughterhouses inflict on billions of defenceless animals can only happen by shutting down all empathy and compassion for their terror, pain and suffering and objectifying them as ‘food products’.

The violation of children by paedophiles, the mutilation of innocent people by laughing soldiers, the act of planting a bomb on a train that blows human beings to bits, exploiting workers in slave labour, incarcerating people in prisons, torture, rape, violence and every variety of abuse and all the atrocities you can document are only possible through a lack of empathy and compassion for other living beings.

If lack of empathy and compassion is the core problem then logically, developing empathy and compassion is the solution. Compassion is the key to solving all levels of abuse in every relationship on the planet.

What exactly is empathy and compassion?

Empathy is to see and feel someone else’s inner emotions – the pain of their fears, grief, shame, helplessness, despair and also their joy, hopes and dreams and longings. Empathy is to perceive the raw unmet needs beneath surface behaviour.

Compassion is a deep understanding and concern for others’ suffering that connects us with humanity and all living beings. As we mature we become other-centred, rather than self-centred. When feeling compassion, we cannot harm others. We want the best for them: peace and safety, health and happiness, love and connection. The compassionate heart treats others with kindness, forgiveness and grace.

Empathy and compassion are located in the feeling heart, not the logical brain, and develop when the heart is broken. Through the shattering experience of grief and suffering, we grow in our ability to empathise.

Attuned parents also develop empathy when they understand and soothe the intense feelings propelling the toddler tantrum.

But some people disconnect from their own vulnerability and become cold and numb to the suffering of others. They justify cruelty and destruction. They act from insatiable greed and self-interest.

In understanding other people’s decisions and actions, we must dig deep into the values (strongly-held beliefs) and buried emotions that motivate and drive their actions.

If the world’s most skilful psychotherapists could break down destructive politicians, they would discover a hurting little child inside desperately trying to get attention and adoration, feel important and please mummy and daddy.

The Great Spiritual Teachers Taught Compassion

Jesus of Nazareth’s true gift was his heightened empathy and compassion for his fellow human beings, expressed freely without prejudice or discrimination.

With penetrating insight, Jesus could see through harmful behaviour to the inner pain of the sinner and, feeling compassion for their heartache, could then extend forgiveness, pardon without punishment, in the warm embrace of grace and mercy.

Jesus’ abilities to heal and perform miracles were in fact not as amazing, and not really the point of his ministry, as much as teaching compassion. Jesus’ supernatural powers were merely a concentrated and accelerated version of God’s everyday abilities. Our bodies, driven by divine intelligence, have the ability to heal, and the creative force of God is continually performing ‘miracles’ in Nature.

The beautiful, wise Tibetan Buddhist Dalai Lama continues to teach kindness and compassion through the art of seeing deeply into the soul. Buddhism teaches us to do no harm and that loving connection with all life leads to happiness.

Religions that preach hatred and violence, oppression and intolerance, strict rules and punitive punishment are the very opposite of heart-centred compassion.

Compassion is a Type of Love

To reiterate, compassion is a type of love; spiritual love the Greeks call Agape. It is a feeling of deep tenderness and kindness that springs from the experience of empathy and understanding for someone’s vulnerability and physical or emotional pain. A compassionate person sees through facades and defences to the inner anguish.

Empathy is the ability to feel someone else’s suffering; to imagine yourself in their situation and allow yourself to momentarily experience their emotions. Empathy connects people and empathy is a leveller that unites people as equals. Sympathy, in contrast, is detached, and sometimes dispensed from a superior distance.

The spiritual qualities of empathy and compassion are inextricably woven together and reside in the heart, like an exquisite flower. From these sweet qualities flow caring actions such as soothing words of comfort and practical acts to help the suffering person feel better.

There are other types of love. Eros is sexual passion between lovers. And Phileo is brotherly love; a platonic, sibling-style love between family members and friends. Bonds of warm affection are formed through this kind of love. Maternal and paternal love are powerful forms of nurturing and protective love for children.

I believe compassion is the ultimate form of love. Compassion is the essential ingredient that leads to the deepest sense of connection and bonding, intimacy and belonging, with other human beings and all living creatures.

A Compassionate Partnership

When a couple overcomes self-centredness and develops compassion for each other they reach a depth of love that enriches their hearts like the warmth of a blazing open fire in winter. And sexual expression of love takes on a new dimension of soul connection beyond physical pleasure.

If a couple develops compassion for each other, this generous kind of love will spill out to all other relationships in their life, to their children, family and friends and to the wider community and ultimately the world in a profound ripple effect.

If enough couples cultivated compassion it could be the starting point for transformation of the planet. The microcosm of compassionate relationships will transform the macrocosm of society.

How Do You Learn Compassion?

Compassion is inextricably linked to pain. As you experience and express repressed emotional pain and grief, through tears, you cultivate empathy and compassion.

Connecting with the buried pain of a lifetime often comes through the breakdown of defences triggered by a major life crisis, trauma or loss. Everyone who has ever lost a child, a parent, a lover, your health or your dreams knows how grief can smash your heart to pieces. Being heart broken is a catalyst.

 The experience of your own inner pain and grief will naturally lead to empathy for other people’s pain. All the tyrants and warmongers of the world and all those who inflict suffering on others are dissociated from their own inner pain.

Remorse and Redemption

If you are the cause of someone else’s pain, you will experience remorse, a deep and genuine sorrow, for that person, which is different from self-centred guilt. Remorse is a form of contrition steeped in humility. All denial, justification, rationalisations, excuses and blame drop away in undefended, honest self-scrutiny.

Remorse leads to surrender and a desire for forgiveness and making amends. Repentance means re-thinking your future life. A change in thinking, emotions and actions results in Redemption; the transformation to goodness and the beginning of a new life, cultivating compassion.

What Are You Worth?

What is the measure of your worth as a human being? The value of a human being is not measured by earning capacity, ownership, beauty, achievements, talents and experiences or even your contribution to society.

Your value as a human being is measured by your ability to feel and express compassion, up close and personal, to other flesh and blood individuals on a daily basis. It is only compassion that makes a human being valuable and worthy of love.

At the end of your life and my life, the extent to which we connected with other human beings and all forms of life and felt and expressed the healing balm of empathy and compassion will be the measure of our worth.

Empowerment Through True Love

The story began when we were very tiny, secure in a blissful bond. Her adoring gaze spoke without words, saying: “I love you as deep as the ocean, as much as all the sand on the beach and all the stars in the sky. I will love you forever because this love is endless. You are my one true love. I am devoted to you. I only have eyes for you. I will do anything to care for you, to protect you, to soothe you, to meet your needs. I will give my life for you.” 

And years later, we set out on the quest in our grown-up bodies, to find this blissful state of intimacy and mutual adoration.

What’s Your Love Story?

We all have our own metaphors for love and we all create our own

Love Stories.

In fact, according to Professor Robert J. Sternberg, author of Love Is A Story, there are 26 love stories.

For some, love is a Horror Story based on fear or a Government Story about power or a Police Story, driven by distrust.

For others, love is a Home Story. For some, Love is a Game, a fierce competition with a winner and loser.

For some romantics like me, love is a Travel Story, and their relationship is a journey.

Love can be treated like a Garden that must be tended and nurtured.

For sensible types, Love is a Business Story. And for fun people, Love is a

Humour Story of non-stop laughs.

So what then is real love? The kind of love we yearn for?

Stories can be edited, revised and rewritten. We are the authors of our life stories and love stories. We wrote the Script when very young and can

re-write the script as adults any time we like.

The Love Triangle

Our good Professor came up with the Triangular Theory of Love.

Imagine a triangle. At one point of the triangle is Intimacy, at the other point is Passion and the third point of the triangle is Commitment. 

Without any of these elements, you have Non-love - no love at all.

Passion alone is mere infatuation, the one-sided, torturous crush most of us have experienced at some time in our lives.

The experience of Intimacy between two people sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings, creates a bond. This kind of love is called Liking.

A relationship based on commitment alone, however noble, is Empty Love.

A combination of Passion and Intimacy creates Romantic love, the stuff of novels, movies and love songs throughout history.

Passion and Commitment together is Fatuous Love, where the poor besotted lover is crazy with unrequited devotion.

Love based on intimacy and commitment, but without passionate desire, is called Companionate love, making a couple good, comfortable companions.

However when a couple has all three elements - Passion and Intimacy and Commitment, they have discovered the Treasure of Consummate Love.  

And Consummate Love, like our very first experience of blissful union, can endure and grow stronger and last a lifetime.

In Consummate Love, both lovers say wordlessly to each other, as they gaze into each other’s souls:

“I love you as deep as the ocean, as much as all the sand on the beach and all the stars in the sky. I will love you forever because this love is endless. You are my one true love. I am devoted to you. I only have eyes for you. I will do anything to care for you, to protect you, to soothe you, to meet your needs. I will give my life for you.” 

And this, my friends, is the ultimate Love Story and the precious, empowering experience of finding a soul mate to share your life with.

Finding a partner to love should be as easy as a Hollywood romantic movie. So what goes wrong?

Attachment Theory in Adult Relationships

 Since the pioneering research on the maternal bonding of infants by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1930s, attachment theory has been central to understanding developmental psychology and personalities.

And in 2011, ground-breaking researchers Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller published a book applying attachment theory to adult relationships.

When I read Attached in November 2017, at the end of a long marriage, this vital knowledge switched on a light bulb and changed my life.

Levine and Heller explain that there are four attachment styles in adult relationships: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant and a less common combination of ‘Anxious and Avoidant.’

People with a Secure style (around 50 per cent of any population) feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

People with an Anxious style (about 20 per cent of us) crave intimacy and worry about their partner’s ability to love them.

People with an Avoidant style (about 25 per cent) equate intimacy with loss of independence and constantly try to minimise closeness.

People with a combined Anxious-Avoidant style (about five per cent) vacillate between the two styles.

Mixing up Attachment Styles

When two secure people fall in love and commit to a relationship they have the ability to show empathy, affection, passion and closeness, console each other, support and encourage each other, communicate directly, make decisions and resolve conflicts together and share their lives.

A secure partner often has the ability to accept and adapt to a partner who is avoidant, giving them their space.

The Secure partner can handle the insecurities of an Anxious partner, giving them reassurance, plenty of intimacy and soothing. In fact Levine and Heller claim, based on their research, that having a Secure partner can enable the Anxious type to grow into being securely attached.

In the same way the Secure partner can handle the volatility of the partner with a combination style. The Anxious-Avoidant partner can relax and discover security in their loving arms.

Two Avoidant types will usually not last. They will resist intimacy, passion and commitment. They lack the ability to talk about issues and resolve conflict.  They find fault with each other and build blame and resentment, and will inevitably drift apart.  

Two Anxious types might be able to love each other enough to grow into secure attachment.

The Difficult Match

However, Levine and Heller warn that the partnership between an Avoidant type and Anxious type is the most difficult relationship of all.

When the Anxious partner moves closer for intimacy (affection, personal conversation, sex) the Avoidant type will usually feel vulnerable and uncomfortable and automatically push away their “needy” partner.

Feeling the sting of rejection, the Anxious type will pursue their partner more and get rejected again and again, escalating emotional pain and conflict.

This dynamic – the Pursuer-Distancer Dance - can continue for years in a chronically frustrating relationship. The Anxious type is trapped in a futile struggle to win their partner’s love. All the while the Avoidant type is feeling pressured and stressed, defensive and resentful. A lack of empathy and compassion for each other sets in.

Levine and Heller suggest there are only three solutions to this dynamic.

     1.  The Avoidant partner learns skills of how to bond and experience intimacy.

     2.  The Anxious partner accepts the limitations of the relationship and gives up the struggle for more intimacy.
     3. They leave each other to find more Secure partners.

Finding Your True Love

For those of you who choose to leave and seek a more fulfilling relationship, I came across another illuminating book that guides singles in the art of choosing a mate. The flippant title, How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk belies the profound advice by relationship expert, John Van Epp.

Van Epp’s Three C’s model is a helpful guide for singles who are dating in search of a loving, compatible partner.

He says True Compatibility consists of three dimensions: chemistry, complementarity and comparability.

First off, there has to be chemistry – a rush of sexual attraction that sets your hormones racing! For love to last, you must be turned on by someone’s physical appearance; their face, eyes, smile, hair, skin, voice, laugh, body shape, height and body language.

This electric charge of sexual attraction often happens even before you get to know each other. But sometimes chemistry builds gradually.

I’ve read that biologically, like all mammals, humans have a “partner preference” imbedded in our brains to aid mate selection. This can partly explain individual differences in attraction to certain types. While tall, dark and handsome might be some women’s type, fair-haired, blue eyes and stocky works for others. Psychologically we are also attracted to physical looks that resemble our parents, caregivers or significant figures in childhood.

Complementarity means all the ways you are different that complement each other’s traits, strengths and weaknesses. This is the art of bringing out the best in each other. Your partner makes you a better, well rounded, capable person.

Comparability means all the similarities you share in your personalities, values and lifestyle, including your work and interests. Soul mates share the same core values, goals and dreams and sense of purpose.

When you meet someone and the three C’s are matched, Van Epp advises you to take time to attach, using RAM – the Relationship Attachment Model. There are five slow, steady steps to secure attachment – get to know, trust and rely on the person before you commit and touch - that is, become sexually intimate. 

He believes holding off on sex can save the heartache that comes from jumping into bed too soon and then breaking up when the attraction wears off.

And so in choosing the right partner, someone who is secure and capable of giving and receiving love – the full triangle of passion, intimacy and commitment – you might just experience the True Love you have yearned for all your life, since you first experienced the bliss of bonding as a baby.

And living each day blissed-out with your soul mate will empower you with a sense of purpose, overflowing joy and deep compassion for all humanity, all living creatures and our precious planet.