Empowerment Through Four H’s - Human Needs, Human Rights, Harm Prevention and Healing

In the classic bestseller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, leadership expert, Stephen R. Covey (1932 - 2012) writes about being “principle centered.”

“The ideal, of course, is to create one clear center from which you consistently derive a high degree of security, guidance, wisdom, and power, empowering your proactivity and giving congruency and harmony to every part of your life.” “Principles do not change. We can depend on them. Principles don’t react to anything…Principles are deep, fundamental truths, classic truths, generic common denominators. They are tightly interwoven threads running with exactness, consistency, beauty and strength through the fabric of life.”

Covey challenged me to ask myself: ‘What are my principles? What are the fundamental truths I live by?’

I realised through years of studying developmental psychology, that human needs are at the very core of understanding human nature.

As I matured, my thinking evolved to believe in the human rights of everyone to have their human needs met.

I believe in doing no harm – a principle that runs through all religions and philosophies as the basis of ethics.

And I believe in healing (where harm has occurred) and the art of problem-solving, decision-making and conflict-resolution to fulfil human needs, achieve human rights and prevent harm.

With these principles as the foundation I have embraced a model that can be taught in group workshops. It goes like this:

Exploring Human Needs

American psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908 – 1970) gave us his famous

Hierarchy of Needs, with five tiers. At the base of the pyramid are survival (physiological) needs. Then we need safety & security, love & belonging, esteem  & respect for self and others and at the top of the pyramid, humans aspire to self-actualisation, which includes morality and creativity.

  

American psychiatrist, William Glasser, (1925 – 2013) put his own spin on human needs, dividing them into five categories: Survival, Love & Belonging, Power, Fun and Freedom.

Glasser’s Survival needs encompass the physiological needs, as well as safety and security and health.  

Love & Belonging encompasses the needs for a range of relationships including a life partner; family relationships between parents, children, siblings; friendships and belonging to community. I believe we can also include the need for relationships with God, nature and animals.

Relationships meet emotional needs such as the need for intimacy, affection, attention, acceptance, recognition, respect, validation, trust, encouragement and support, nurturing and protection. We are social beings like all mammals and need connection and interaction with others throughout life.

Glasser’s concept of Power includes the human need to work and achieve results, to gain mastery of knowledge and skills and impact the world; to be competent and capable of learning (rather than helpless and dependent.) 

Glasser’s word Fun might seem like a flippant human need. However Fun encompasses all forms of creativity and cultural activities. And this need runs deep from childhood, with the desire to play, draw, build, sing and tell stories, through our adult lives pursuing inventive endeavours.  

Glasser includes Freedom as a fundamental need, claiming that without freedom we cannot pursue our other needs. We need the freedom to think, feel and make our own decisions and act for ourselves. We need freedom of movement and freedom of expression. This is why imprisonment damages the human soul.   

Protecting Human Rights

If human needs are so fundamental to survival and wellbeing, then we all have a birthright to meet these needs at every stage of life.

On December 10, 1948, the United Nations launched the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. The UN has created artwork to explain the rights in simple language.

The historic document, created after the devastation of World War 2, contains 30 articles, starting with Article One: “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.”

The declaration is the foundation of international human rights law and has inspired more than 80 international human rights treaties and declarations.

 It is the most translated document in the world with over 500 translations in different languages.

Eleanor Roosevelt was chair of the declaration’s drafting committee, which included members from around the world.

On Human Rights Day in 2017, UN Secretary-General António Guterres, said: 

“While human rights abuses did not end when the Universal Declaration was adopted, the Declaration has helped countless people to gain greater freedom and security. It has helped to prevent violations, obtain justice for wrongs, and strengthen national and international human rights laws and safeguards.”

The UN Human Rights Office, noting current threats to human rights around the world, is calling on every person to be a human rights champion. 

In claiming our own human rights, we also have responsibilities to protect and ensure the rights of others. We cannot claim our rights at the expense of others.

It’s important to add that rights must also be extended to all animals and living creatures and our precious environment. All of us sharing Planet Earth has a right to live without harm and suffering.

Obstacles to Human Needs – Human Rights Abuses

As we go through life, other people or circumstances will obstruct the meeting of our needs. Others can cause harm and violate our need to safety and security, survival and health.

Poverty obstructs millions of people from having their basic survival needs met and being subjected to malnutrition and preventable diseases, deprivation and daily suffering. 

Poverty is caused through the social injustice of the inequality of wealth distribution. A Guardian report claims that 26 richest billionaires own as many assets as the 3.8 billion people who make up the poorest half of the planet’s population.

The violence and destruction of war is a human rights violation on a mass scale.

The crime of assault or theft is a human rights violation against the individual.

Child abuse has four categories: physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and neglect (a failure of parents or caregivers to meet a child’s needs).

Abuse, crime and human rights violations, in a multitude of forms, cause harm to humans, animals and the environment. These acts must be prevented. It’s our job as caring, responsible people to protect others from harm.

As individuals, in all our relationships with family and friends and community we must respect and protect the rights of others.

As members of society, we must identify and not ignore human rights violations and champion human rights for all. Human rights must be the principle we operate from, regardless of political differences. 

Healing from Harm

When people have suffered harm through abuse and trauma, or grief and loss, they need healing through therapy, care and support. Just as perpetrators of abuse also need healing. (Often those who were abused in childhood, grow up to become abusers.)

Human beings are resilient and can recover and grow and thrive with understanding, empathy, kindness, compassion, forgiveness and grace.

It is our human responsibly and duty of care to provide healing for those who have suffered physical and/or psychological abuse.

I have a preference to work for prevention of harm and stopping harmful practices before they happen. However victims must be helped through the process of recovery by the beautiful carers in our world as we campaign together to eradicate all forms of abuse and human rights violations.

Together we can create a better, kinder world.

Empowering A Community

The formula is simple:

Resources + Knowledge & Skills + Opportunities = Community Empowerment

Back to Basics

 According to American psychologist, Abraham Maslow (1908 – 1970) humans have seven needs to ensure survival: air, water, food, sleep, clothing, shelter and safety.
 Clean, unpolluted oxygen-rich air is essential. We cannot live for more than a few minutes without breathing. I’d like to expand water to include ‘clean water & sanitation’, which is desperately needed in poor countries where lack of accessible, clean water and toilets cause diseases in millions of people.
 Lack of nutritious food leads to sickness and starvation. Sleep deprivation affects brain function and physiology. We need shelter from the elements and we need safety from all threats to our survival. In order to meet these survival needs, we need an income.In order to make an income, we need knowledge & skills + resources + opportunities.

People everywhere just want the opportunity to work to generate income to meet the survival needs of their families. And beyond mere survival we can all thrive with health, love and belonging, creativity and freedom.
 

Come with me to Chogoria

Let me share my inspiring journey of empowering the people of Chogoria in rural Kenya.

The story starts with an unlikely friendship. I met beautiful Millicent in July 2016. We instantly recognised each other as ‘soul sisters’.

Millicent from Kenya, a former nurse, midwife, hospital matron and courageous field health worker and me, an Australian living in the UK, a seasoned journalist and counsellor and aspiring community worker, shared common ground and core values.

The intersection of our dreams happened in Senegal at a dynamic training in grassroots community development run by the legendary Molly Melching, founder of Tostan, a charity leading a movement of social change to empower women and communities across West Africa.

Millicent and me at the Tostan training in Senegal in July 2016

 Millicent and I planted the seeds of an ambitious dream: to take the empowerment movement to Kenya and East Africa.

As we brainstormed over several days, Millicent told me she ran a community centre for feeding and caring for vulnerable children in her hometown, Chogoria, set in the lush tropical farmlands on the slopes of magnificent Mount Kenya.

In 2003 Millicent personally funded the centre called Faraja – a Swahili word meaning ‘comfort’ – out of a deep sense of gratitude for being sponsored by the Chogoria Hospital to study her Masters Degree in Public Health in Edinburgh, Scotland.

 

Millicent and the Faraja kids

Since then she has worked tirelessly caring for children and their families in the humble centre as well as travelling far and wide on rough terrain to reach remote villages with vital health education throughout the Tharaka Nithi county.

Visiting the Garama family

Later that year, I kept my promise to visit Millicent and her devoted husband, Pastor Garama, travelling by matatu – a crowded public mini-van - four hours north of Nairobi to the a vibrant market town in the heart of Kenya.

When I set eyes on the Faraja Community Centre - a sturdy brick building with a huge open room, with several small rooms for offices at the back - the exciting vision for adding a kitchen, electricity and clean drinking water came into focus.

After two more planning trips to Chogoria in 2017 and 2018, in January 2019, with a massive leap of faith, I invested £7000 of my own money to install a modern galley kitchen in the empty corner of the Faraja main hall.

I hired the Streamline Designs kitchen company in Nairobi to make all the cabinetry, a local plumber to install a chlorinator, filter system and new water tank to provide clean, safe water and local electrician to bring power and lights. Local painters did a beautiful makeover, painting the walls and floor, and a sewing lady made stunning new curtains.

The empty room before the kitchen installation 

Elias, the electrician starts the wiring job

James, the plumber, and the guys install a new water tank and filters

The painters, Collins and Kevin transform the walls and floor

Master Streamline kitchen installer, Fred and assistant Silas go to work

Fred and Silas making progress

The tilers add the finishing touches 

Fridah sews aprons ready for the kitchen workers, 
Me in the half finished kitchen, February 2019

Biggest Challenge of My Life

Supervising the installation of the modern kitchen in the rustic building was the biggest challenge of my life! I was propelled out of my comfort zone into hard physical work, tricky problem solving and daily decision-making over two solid months until finally, miraculously, we launched the kitchen with a joyful celebration party. 

Making muffins with Millicent and Anne

Celebration Day, launching the kitchen March 16, 2019

Kuka leads the kids in singing and dancing at the party

The Vision

The dazzling new kitchen will be the catalyst for expanding the food choices for the Children and teaching kids nutrition and cooking, a Mums and Babies Group, a Women’s Health Group, a Men’s Health Group and a Youth Social Group serving up pizza and music, and a support group for the Elderly.

                                         

We plan to run a daily café, creating a vibrant meeting place for the whole community and international medical workers and visitors who come to climb Mount Kenya.

The Faraja Kitchen will be self-sustaining, making money from the sale of food to cover running costs, pay workers and fund further improvements to centre.

And we have many exciting ideas for income-generating small businesses including a Sewing Group making African fabric bags; the Malaria-prevention Soap-making Group and a Coconut initiative to transport coconuts from coastal Mombasa to Chogoria to produce nutritious coconut oil, milk, cream and cheese.

Garama, an agricultural expert, is in charge of the flourishing Faraja Vegetable Garden growing tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, green beans, spinach, lettuce, cauliflower, broccoli and herbs to supply the kitchen.

The Future Looks Bright

And in the future the Faraja Community Centre will provide training for local facilitators in health, human rights and stopping harmful practices such as female genital cutting and child marriage in villages all over Kenya.

All this transformation is flowing from the everyday miracle of a kitchen.

My soul sister, Millicent and I have realised our beautiful dream in the heartland of Kenya that started three years ago in Senegal!

Anything is possible when caring people join together to make a difference.

Peter making pizza in the new kitchen

Peter and Eliud and me making Mexican bean chilli

Robert cooking pizza in the new oven

Pastor Garama, Millicent, son, Eliud and me all set to make
the new kitchen serve the local people

The Faraja Board members

Ubuntu - I am human because I belong

 

Empowerment Through True Love

The story began when we were very tiny, secure in a blissful bond. Her adoring gaze spoke without words, saying: “I love you as deep as the ocean, as much as all the sand on the beach and all the stars in the sky. I will love you forever because this love is endless. You are my one true love. I am devoted to you. I only have eyes for you. I will do anything to care for you, to protect you, to soothe you, to meet your needs. I will give my life for you.” 

And years later, we set out on the quest in our grown-up bodies, to find this blissful state of intimacy and mutual adoration.

What’s Your Love Story?

We all have our own metaphors for love and we all create our own

Love Stories.

In fact, according to Professor Robert J. Sternberg, author of Love Is A Story, there are 26 love stories.

For some, love is a Horror Story based on fear or a Government Story about power or a Police Story, driven by distrust.

For others, love is a Home Story. For some, Love is a Game, a fierce competition with a winner and loser.

For some romantics like me, love is a Travel Story, and their relationship is a journey.

Love can be treated like a Garden that must be tended and nurtured.

For sensible types, Love is a Business Story. And for fun people, Love is a

Humour Story of non-stop laughs.

So what then is real love? The kind of love we yearn for?

Stories can be edited, revised and rewritten. We are the authors of our life stories and love stories. We wrote the Script when very young and can

re-write the script as adults any time we like.

The Love Triangle

Our good Professor came up with the Triangular Theory of Love.

Imagine a triangle. At one point of the triangle is Intimacy, at the other point is Passion and the third point of the triangle is Commitment. 

Without any of these elements, you have Non-love - no love at all.

Passion alone is mere infatuation, the one-sided, torturous crush most of us have experienced at some time in our lives.

The experience of Intimacy between two people sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings, creates a bond. This kind of love is called Liking.

A relationship based on commitment alone, however noble, is Empty Love.

A combination of Passion and Intimacy creates Romantic love, the stuff of novels, movies and love songs throughout history.

Passion and Commitment together is Fatuous Love, where the poor besotted lover is crazy with unrequited devotion.

Love based on intimacy and commitment, but without passionate desire, is called Companionate love, making a couple good, comfortable companions.

However when a couple has all three elements - Passion and Intimacy and Commitment, they have discovered the Treasure of Consummate Love.  

And Consummate Love, like our very first experience of blissful union, can endure and grow stronger and last a lifetime.

In Consummate Love, both lovers say wordlessly to each other, as they gaze into each other’s souls:

“I love you as deep as the ocean, as much as all the sand on the beach and all the stars in the sky. I will love you forever because this love is endless. You are my one true love. I am devoted to you. I only have eyes for you. I will do anything to care for you, to protect you, to soothe you, to meet your needs. I will give my life for you.” 

And this, my friends, is the ultimate Love Story and the precious, empowering experience of finding a soul mate to share your life with.

Finding a partner to love should be as easy as a Hollywood romantic movie. So what goes wrong?

Attachment Theory in Adult Relationships

 Since the pioneering research on the maternal bonding of infants by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1930s, attachment theory has been central to understanding developmental psychology and personalities.

And in 2011, ground-breaking researchers Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller published a book applying attachment theory to adult relationships.

When I read Attached in November 2017, at the end of a long marriage, this vital knowledge switched on a light bulb and changed my life.

Levine and Heller explain that there are four attachment styles in adult relationships: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant and a less common combination of ‘Anxious and Avoidant.’

People with a Secure style (around 50 per cent of any population) feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

People with an Anxious style (about 20 per cent of us) crave intimacy and worry about their partner’s ability to love them.

People with an Avoidant style (about 25 per cent) equate intimacy with loss of independence and constantly try to minimise closeness.

People with a combined Anxious-Avoidant style (about five per cent) vacillate between the two styles.

Mixing up Attachment Styles

When two secure people fall in love and commit to a relationship they have the ability to show empathy, affection, passion and closeness, console each other, support and encourage each other, communicate directly, make decisions and resolve conflicts together and share their lives.

A secure partner often has the ability to accept and adapt to a partner who is avoidant, giving them their space.

The Secure partner can handle the insecurities of an Anxious partner, giving them reassurance, plenty of intimacy and soothing. In fact Levine and Heller claim, based on their research, that having a Secure partner can enable the Anxious type to grow into being securely attached.

In the same way the Secure partner can handle the volatility of the partner with a combination style. The Anxious-Avoidant partner can relax and discover security in their loving arms.

Two Avoidant types will usually not last. They will resist intimacy, passion and commitment. They lack the ability to talk about issues and resolve conflict.  They find fault with each other and build blame and resentment, and will inevitably drift apart.  

Two Anxious types might be able to love each other enough to grow into secure attachment.

The Difficult Match

However, Levine and Heller warn that the partnership between an Avoidant type and Anxious type is the most difficult relationship of all.

When the Anxious partner moves closer for intimacy (affection, personal conversation, sex) the Avoidant type will usually feel vulnerable and uncomfortable and automatically push away their “needy” partner.

Feeling the sting of rejection, the Anxious type will pursue their partner more and get rejected again and again, escalating emotional pain and conflict.

This dynamic – the Pursuer-Distancer Dance - can continue for years in a chronically frustrating relationship. The Anxious type is trapped in a futile struggle to win their partner’s love. All the while the Avoidant type is feeling pressured and stressed, defensive and resentful. A lack of empathy and compassion for each other sets in.

Levine and Heller suggest there are only three solutions to this dynamic.

     1.  The Avoidant partner learns skills of how to bond and experience intimacy.

     2.  The Anxious partner accepts the limitations of the relationship and gives up the struggle for more intimacy.
     3. They leave each other to find more Secure partners.

Finding Your True Love

For those of you who choose to leave and seek a more fulfilling relationship, I came across another illuminating book that guides singles in the art of choosing a mate. The flippant title, How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk belies the profound advice by relationship expert, John Van Epp.

Van Epp’s Three C’s model is a helpful guide for singles who are dating in search of a loving, compatible partner.

He says True Compatibility consists of three dimensions: chemistry, complementarity and comparability.

First off, there has to be chemistry – a rush of sexual attraction that sets your hormones racing! For love to last, you must be turned on by someone’s physical appearance; their face, eyes, smile, hair, skin, voice, laugh, body shape, height and body language.

This electric charge of sexual attraction often happens even before you get to know each other. But sometimes chemistry builds gradually.

I’ve read that biologically, like all mammals, humans have a “partner preference” imbedded in our brains to aid mate selection. This can partly explain individual differences in attraction to certain types. While tall, dark and handsome might be some women’s type, fair-haired, blue eyes and stocky works for others. Psychologically we are also attracted to physical looks that resemble our parents, caregivers or significant figures in childhood.

Complementarity means all the ways you are different that complement each other’s traits, strengths and weaknesses. This is the art of bringing out the best in each other. Your partner makes you a better, well rounded, capable person.

Comparability means all the similarities you share in your personalities, values and lifestyle, including your work and interests. Soul mates share the same core values, goals and dreams and sense of purpose.

When you meet someone and the three C’s are matched, Van Epp advises you to take time to attach, using RAM – the Relationship Attachment Model. There are five slow, steady steps to secure attachment – get to know, trust and rely on the person before you commit and touch - that is, become sexually intimate. 

He believes holding off on sex can save the heartache that comes from jumping into bed too soon and then breaking up when the attraction wears off.

And so in choosing the right partner, someone who is secure and capable of giving and receiving love – the full triangle of passion, intimacy and commitment – you might just experience the True Love you have yearned for all your life, since you first experienced the bliss of bonding as a baby.

And living each day blissed-out with your soul mate will empower you with a sense of purpose, overflowing joy and deep compassion for all humanity, all living creatures and our precious planet.